Anniversaries

Our anniversary is coming up.

Honestly, I put it out of my mind. I didn’t realize it was sneaking up on me so quickly. My husband mentioned it the other day, asking me what I’d like to do.

He wants more than anything to honor it, celebrate it, hold it in a special place.

I struggle to see it as anything other than a day that leaves me feeling deeply wounded. A day that would be better to ignore, to mark off, to become a blackened hole on the calendar.

There is no doubt our marriage is different now. I’ve said it before, but it is as if the first marriage died. This is the new marriage, the resurrection, the new life given to us.

It is hard for me to see the first 12 years of our marriage as special. We didn’t even make it one year, but I didn’t know. It was hidden from me in the shadows. I celebrated, and adored my marriage, one which left me feeling worthless and stupid.

I’ve tried to figure it out, how can I celebrate the first 12 years? How can I feel some kind of joy, or thankfulness for them? Those years of marriage feel like a wicked joke, a cruel taunting, an evil scheme. But, it has recently come to me…

My husband may not have held the marriage in high honor. He may not have honored me as his wife. He may not have treasured the covenant of marriage, the marriage bed, the intimacy that should have been ours…

But, God did.

God counted those years of marriage, broken as they were. He waited in perfect patience to redeem us. He opened my womb, giving me honor as my husband’s wife. He was near to me in my faithfulness, His eyes seeing the shameful acts done out of my sight. He saw me with compassion.

I have always felt a nearness to the Lord. I’ve considered it a beautiful grace, one in which I’ve not understood why I’ve been so lucky to feel Him so close to me. But, I wonder if in part He was near because He knew my husband’s heart was far from me.

Yes, God counted those first twelve years. He knew how broken they were, how damaged, and sin filled.

I had these fears early on after d-day that God somehow saw our marriage as lesser. Or, as if God somehow allowed those women my husband was with to replace me as his bride for a time. But, that’s never been the case. My husband’s sin was never blessed, those women never became his bride, and God never approved any of those choices. Instead, He drew near to me, comforting me and sustaining me for the pain I didn’t even know I’d experience.

Maybe I won’t feel the same joy, and starry-eyed emotions on our anniversary. Maybe not this year, maybe not ever. Maybe they’ll always sting a little – or, maybe not. But, they count. God sees them. He’s honored me as my husband’s wife all this time, He’s guarded me, He’s looked at me with compassion, and He has seen our marriage worth restoring. For His glory, all for Him.