His Spoken Word

After D-Day number two a group of friends from church gifted me an in-home massage. It took some time, due to an injury, but I was able to enjoy that massage yesterday.

The woman who gave me the massage so happens to be a dear friend, a mentor, and one of the few people outside of my church walls who knows every detail of this past year. It was such a gift to have a little extra time with her, to update her, and of course, to receive such a gift of relaxation.

Nothing I say shocks her. I can tell her the most raw thought circling in my mind, and she’ll just nod and says something like, “Well, of course it makes sense you’d feel that way.” It is good to have a friend like that. She “gets” trauma. She understands that recovery takes time. She’s one of the people I feel the least pressured to be “pretend normal” around.

I was telling her that our 13 week program is now over. Finished. We put in the hard work. I’m so glad it is done. But, what do my perfectionist tendencies whisper to me?

Time to move on. Get over it now. Stop thinking about it. What else do you want?

It started to send me down the road of self pity and anger last week. I could feel it. And, honestly, I felt pretty helpless to stop it. I’m reminded it is stronger than I am. It consumes my flesh without apology.

Sunday I sat at church feeling fairly depleted. It almost felt like an out of body experience. I was there, but I felt so disconnected – to myself, to my kids, to even those around me. And, then my Pastor started preaching.

God’s word just for me. His mercy and grace, conviction and correction, hope and healing, all flowing from my Pastor’s mouth straight to me.

Self pity and anger might be stronger than my flesh is, but they aren’t stronger than my God.

Chaos, turned paradise. That is the power of God.

A dark, formless void of nothing. And, by the Spoken Word, turned to the paradise of Garden of Eden.

What else can God do? What faith do I have? What does scripture tell me?

Dead bones. Spring to life.

Sinful souls. Made pure.

Hardened hearts. Softened.

Broken marriages. Made brand new.

And by what? My strength? My willpower? My 13 weeks spent in a program?

No. By the Spoken Word of God. His holy scriptures. The very gift He has given to me.

Such hope, and truth, and power to sustain me.

It is still a process. I’m not where I want to be, but oh the progress we’ve made! The new life we have, the repentance I’ve seen and experienced…

There may still be tears, but there’s joy too. There may still be intrusive thoughts, but there are new memories being created. The old may still flash itself upon my current situation, but God is making the new big, and bold, and pure, and worth celebrating.

I must cling to His words. His words bring healing. They bring dead things to life. They turn chaos into paradise.


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