Fighting for thankfulness

I’ve been watching the calendar as it has slowly crept towards today. I’ve wondered how I’d feel. What would I say when it was my turn to express my thankfulness? That used to be easy. I’d rattle off, “I’m thankful for my husband, my children….” and so on. It was simple, and said without sacrifice or thought. 

But, this year has been a fight. 

A fight for joy. A fight for reconciliation. A fight for healing. And, a fight for thankfulness. 

We opted to start new traditions this year. I baked Thanksgiving dinner for a small, private, us-only Thanksgiving dinner. We did it a day early to not interfere with any other plans. It was lovely. The children had a wonderful time gathered around the table helping themselves to their favorite foods. We played games, and shared many laughs. And then, my husband asked everyone what they were thankful for. 

I felt myself tense up.

“My family loves me!”
“This food is amazing!”
“I have the very best friends!”
“I’m thankful for good music!”

My children sweetly rattled off multiple things they were thankful for. My soul smiled listening to them. And then, it was my turn. 

“I’m thankful for my church family, a God of mercy, and time spent with my children.” 

There, I did it. But, I felt a smidge of guilt. 

I don’t yet feel thankful for him. I’m trying, but even with his best efforts, I’m not there yet. 

Or, maybe I do feel thankful for him, but that scares me? I don’t know yet. I’m not sure which is true, and which is false. Maybe they bleed together in a way that I haven’t yet figured out. 

But, I’m trying. I’m fighting for thankfulness. It will be my prayer that next year my thankfulness is fuller, more complete. Maybe it won’t ever be easy again? But, maybe that’s okay. Maybe being forced to fight for my thankfulness will deepen it. Maybe this is simply part of the work that Christ wants to do within me. I’ll press on, and trust in Him.